WARNING:i write from the depths of me. i don’t pre-plan any of my writing (although i am a planner). its a lot easier to be transparent and the real “me” if i just type what is in my head. so there may be parts you find appalling or you don’t like…i don’t mind. i know i have to do this for me. to be free. i recommend trying this, to see whats holding you back from being free. its hard, its harsh, but will be so worth it in the end, but be transparent. its the best way to be… lb.
“investigate my life, o God, find out everything about me; cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what i’m about; and see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” psalms 139:23-24… [msg/amp].
yeah, he’s pointed out a lot in me lately…he has cross-examined me and revealed things to me. i hate to see the junk i have let in and hoarded up, but at the same time so grateful that i have the opportunity to be free. so, i just wanna continue my quest from yesterday, really trying to get these things out in the open and off of me. trying to be…transparent. [ummm, not easy].
5. do i find myself withdrawing in groups and rarely take part in conversations, jokes, fun?
hmmmmm, can you guess what my answer may be? yes. but like all of the other questions, i know i don’t practice this all the time. but the times i practice it, it is darkness, not light. quite frankly, i enjoy people for the most part…not selfish ones(could i be wounded by selfish people? i think so), but people. when i start noticing that someone keeps referring to their life repeatedly, i tend to shy away. and it all goes back to how i am feeling and what kind of mood i am in. i hate moods. i hate my flesh. i am currently and continuously in battle with them both to get them completely out of me. i know i tend to withdraw if i don’t feel welcome or what not. and it depends on who i am with. not everyone is welcome into my domain. it goes back to that backstabbing, vulnerability thing. i know i need to loosen up, but when i’ve dealt with the people i’ve dealt with (and when i say people, i mean girls…) then its almost natural to me. and again, i am not justifying my behavior. it takes everything within me to tell my flesh to stop, then i have to repent, pray, get in the spirit mode, etc. its not always that easy. ugggghhh, have i mentioned that i am completely over being wounded? the more i ask myself these questions, the more crap i find. i would stop, but that would be giving up. i refuse to do that.
6. do i have trouble receiving praise from people?
ummm, yeah. i don’t always know what to say? i usually just stand there smiling as if i didn’t hear what they just said. i don’t do well. i don’t know what tone of voice to use to say “thank you”, i’m not sure how my body language should be and i don’t know if they’re lying. i think that is the case. i’ve had not genuine praise before and that hurts. so i guess i just sit there, read your body language to see if you are lying and if you are, i walk away. then i build my walls up and then i don’t want anything to do with you. i already have pre-judged you and chosen to not communicate or have connection with you. wow. i have a lot of work to do. [its crazy how much you realize about yourself when you type...my mind is just going and i am typing. then i go back and read. i didn't realize i was this hurt, this affected, this setback and this much in bondage. i didn't reazlie how bad my reactions were and how often i put up walls, you should try this. you might learn a lot about yourself!]. i have NO clue how to just say “thank you” and smile. [note to self: practice in mirror].
7. do i seek to be in control of my relationships?
OF COURSE I DO! have you noticed a pattern? when most people describe me, the words “independent, non-conforming, strong and dominant” are used. and while being strong, independent or non-conforming can have good characteristics, i don’t always characterize those positive characteristics. i tend to be on the other side where i don’t need you or your help. i tend to think i can handle all things on my own and my decisions and ways are better [im a planner people, i like order, an agenda, a timeline, a purpose...i rarely just "go do things"... (except for tattoos!)]. so i feel that i should be the one calling shots, especially when no one will make a decision. and again, if i have the wheel you can’t hurt me. if i detect you are about to hurt me, that’s fine…cause i’m in control and i can get to you first. really, truly that’s how i work. i bet a lot of other people work that way, too….they would just never admit it. if i know i am about to be attacked, i already have my posse ready…you know, the walls, the attitude, the moods, the neck popping…remember, i’m a planner? lol. no, but seriously i do it to protect myself. protect my feelings, my heart and frankly just me. i get tired of being stepped on. maybe i should start a “WA” group for wounded anonymous? cause i would not only be the president, but i’m also a client. good grief. i don’t like me.
{i almost stopped here, i felt i was a bit too transparent, but it could only get worse…then get better}
8. do i have a need to dominate or intimate people?
apparently i do this without trying. and i will admit that i certainly like feeling this way. if i know i intimidate you, that means you won’t get close enough to hurt me (can we say CYCLE?…not to be confused with psycho…). if i keep you at arms length away, you will never experience my heart, see my heart or look into my eyes. my eyes say EVERYTHING about me. i don’t NEED to intimidate people, but i will admit that to my flesh it feels nice. you aren’t a worry then. i guess its a way for me to be valued, important. hmmm, i’m thinking this could be a sign that i am wounded. so if i feel that you aren’t too scared to get close, i feel safe and secure…ouch. yeah, i am wounded.
9. am i opinionated and have a deep need to be right and prove a point?
believe it or not, i know i am not always right. i do, however, always feel the need for my point to be heard either way. a relationship i had kept me in the fetus position for so long, so now that i am so “independent”, i think you need to hear what i say [neck pop to follow that statement]. this is not a good thing. i dislike when people rebuttle, yet i enjoy rebuttling. i don’t like to just sit down and take things. i would like my opinion to be heard, which in turn makes me feel valued. which in turn is all connected to the fact that i am wounded and want to feel valued.
10. do i delight in other people’s failures?
uh-huh. sure. if they didn’t do it the way i see as correct, i think i do. you should plan, think ahead, etc…not do things on a “whim”…so when i see you fail because of lack of preparation, yes i sit and delight that maybe you should do it “right”. i also delight when people have to rely on others because they can’t do it on their own. so, yeah. i don’t have much else to say about this. i am pretty much a sucky person.
okay, well i think thats enough for today. i’m sure if anyone reads this your opinion of me has greatly change and you realize if more that i am a stinky, fleshly, sin-induced comatic person. however, i won’ t be here long. i plan to be free soon. completely free. and i plan on staying that way. its coming, i just have to keep on trucking…
