1. i am so excited about what God is doing in my life. i am trying to make sure i am obedient and follow His wisdom. i pray that He continues to show me and use me. I am looking for the day to be completely free!
2. my birthday is thursday and it is not exciting for me. i would rather skip it this year, thank you very much. i will be glad to let someone else take that day.
3. i finally got zack his birthday present and if i don’t get voted “best girlfriend of the year”, i do believe i might be wounded and offended…which will in turn show my lack of maturity.
4. i met a lady who is like having a big sister and already feel kindred spirits with her. she is funny, wise and is hungry for realness. i admire her joy despite her adversity…i am not sure if i could do what she is doing while dealing with what she is dealing with.
5. pastor timothy continues to amaze me and choke me with his meat he continues to feed us on woundedness. i don’t understand why people don’t wanna deal with their wounds and live freely. what happened to the transparency of God’s chosen? we must be real to reach real people. i laugh, i cry, i wonder, i write…all of this while i soak in the wisdom that God has imparted the PT…then God downloads more into me as additions. you need to listen to some of his messages. read his blogs. his encounters and experiences with the Most High have prepared him for what he is doing. he is my spiritual father and i know he loves me.
6. i am so glad i got my eyebrows waxed today.
7. i am tired of dealing with immature, easily offeneded people. i love you, but grow up.
8. i urge you to go to the call in dc on 08.16.08. its a day of prayer, fasting and worship for our nation and we desperately need all of that. it is so imperative that we go and take a stand. its for the future of our children and grandchildren. im going so that next generation can experience more than a double portion of what i will and am experiencing.
9. im tired of movies at the theater being crude and stupid. can we make a decent film without damning the Most High and using the “f” bomb?
10. i return to a new classroom, new grade and new curriculum in less than a month. im a little nervous.
11. i wanna start sending cards out on people’s birthdays and anniversaries. i think it is great to connect with people with cards. i am starting today by writing it in a calendar.
12. mark 1 is a great analogy about ufc. hidden and secluded, but people keep coming.
13. i am growing more confident in my Jesus skills…as in, i listen better, i rely on Him more and i speak what He tells me to speak. and i am not intimidated. perfect love casts out all fear.
14. house hunting continues…pray that the Lord shows me exactly what to do and where to do it at. i am excited about having a home. and the fact it possibly will be brand spankin’ new.
15. i had a conversation with a girl named te’ at church and we connected on an even greater level. i cannot wait to spend more time with her.
16. zack and i started a guest list and we are up to 226. be aware, we are not feeding you dinner. just fyi.
17. i have a TON of laundry to do. seriously. its overwhelming.
18. zack and i are working on our relationship…not that its bad by any means, but we agreed that there is always room for improvement.
19. i may have to cut back my texting plan in order to help with bills at my new crib. this could be detrimental to my health.
20. Jesus Christ keeps me living, moving and breathing. i owe Him my everything and He owes me nothing. He is awesome and loving. i cannot contemplate life without Him. He is changing me day after day…it may be slowly, but there is change happening. i will be free from generational curses, wounds, junk, built up walls and religion. i will be the image of Him, i will catch Him.

i obviously don’t have a huge online fan base.
i am of no importance nor do i need to be.
it may be a great thing that i am able to get my thoughts out in a hidden place
and continue healing.

apparently there is a lot more in my life that i need to fix.
Holy Spirit continues to bring to my attention things in my life
that He was to take over. i just keep holding on for dear life. as if its mine or something.
He keeps pulling these things out of me to deal with whether i am ready; want to; or find the need to.
fact is: i asked for it, He is simply answering my fervent prayers.
ha. didn’t i fool myself.

the thing about woundedness is that it really comes of our no where when God begins to show you.
you like to deny it, say, “Lord, that didn’t hurt me”, as if He is wrong about your current wound.
because us in our flesh sure do like to tell God what its like
instead of listening to how He tells us it can be.
so i have been dealing and rooting out several things.
things that left me hurt, stranded, wondering, confused, wandering…the list goes on and on!
and while i am learning to deal with these issues that have made me, “me” and not “Him”,
i keep getting these new ones.

so then i’m left sitting here going, “what is the world just happened?”. seriously.
she said what? huh? how? what?…um, help.
as i deal with the big things that have taken root and try to get rid of things that make me “who i am”
i get these little knicks and scratches while satan is playing battle of the mind with me.
so i struggle, i try to take control, thinking if i handle them with my hands, the Lord
will be so proud of me and pat me on the back.

HA.

what He really wants to do is smack me (okay not really, but i would smack me)
all He wants me to do is say, “its yours Lord, take it, show me what to do to be free, healed, clean…”
what He really wants me to do is give everything to Him.
let Him drive for awhile, take the steering wheel, allow Him to be my GPS.
and i know all this.

so why is it so hard?

WOUNDEDNESS.
NOT WILLING TO BE VULNERABLE.

yeppers. thats its…right there.
i figure since i have been hurt by you and that other person
that God could possibly be the same way.
and i could end up hurt. and alone. and confused again.

NOT SO.

God is gracious, kind and loving. He is never disappointed in me…He just wants the best for me. He wants me to reach down and get out all the junk so that i am able to shine Him without distraction, blemish, ugliness, stain or wrinkle. He wants Him to be seen not any trace of me or “my personality”. i was not created to have my own personality, but to carry on His personality. i was not created to be “me” and for you to “take me like i am”, but exude such a love that you want to take me because you want what i have. i was created to be wounded, in order to be healed, so that i can heal others and bear much fruit. and isn’t that what we are supposed to do? bear much fruit!

i could have gone to church every sunday. i could have been involved in 54 different ministries. i could have volunteered for every big conference and i could have tithed over 10%. i could have gone on 82 different mission trips and i could have cleaned the church every other month…but what would that have gotten me? what would that have done to make a difference in the person at the gas station? what would it have done for the person in the car next to me?

NOTHING.

so as my stream of serious consciousness comes to a close:

Lord i pray that You continue to show me the roots that are still entangled in my life. i pray that You show me the characteristics of wounds so that i am able to identify them and get rid of them. i pray that through my process of wounding you feel my voids with Your unfailing love and that it begins to be pushy in my life. make Your love pushy in my life! Lord show me how to handle those wounds that come quickly in my life now that i would be able to immediately deal with them so that they are unable to root in my life and grow. may Your love come in and capture my entire being so that the environment for any negative seed is unable to grow and reproduce. Lord change the environment within me so that it reflects you my wonderful Lord. as i seek You Lord and as You bring about healing in my life i also pray for wisdom. may Your wisdom be poured into me as I seek You, Your face, Your healing and YOU. i just need more of You. case closed.

wow. that felt good.

yes, i said it, i am irritated.
i finally realized just how selfish people are.
and its irritates me.

i have been working on my patience…
no, seriously, stop laughing…i have!
but it has come to my attention that
some people just never have enough.
they keep going and going and doing and doing
and it blows my mind.
it blows my mind to think of how ill-prepared and selfish
they are being with their decisions.
and then i get to sit there and deal with them and smile and “cheer them up”.

i just dont quite understand.
im not quite sure how people can keep taking and taking and taking
and think nothing of it.
but they dont think anything of it because they are lost in themselves
and even though it literally irritates the fire out of me i am heartbroken for them.
must they keep pressing the limit to be happy and fulfilled?

 

Lord i pray that you help me through this. Lord forgive me and mend my heart. Lord help me to love those who i truly love at this unloveable time…because it is irritating.  but i am of no use if i have not Your love and Your will and Your thoughts and emotions and…just You. so Lord please continue to make me moldable and mold me, please continue to throw irriations my way so that i can be like You and react like You and love like You…i need You.

okay, i already feel better. the end.