WARNING:i write from the depths of me. i don’t pre-plan any of my writing (although i am a planner). its a lot easier to be transparent and the real “me” if i just type what is in my head. so there may be parts you find appalling or you don’t like…i don’t mind. i know i have to do this for me. to be free. i recommend trying this, to see whats holding you back from being free. its hard, its harsh, but will be so worth it in the end, but be transparent. its the best way to be… lb.

“investigate my life, o God, find out everything about me; cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what i’m about; and see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” psalms 139:23-24… [msg/amp].

 

yeah, he’s pointed out a lot in me lately…he has cross-examined me and revealed things to me. i hate to see the junk i have let in and hoarded up, but at the same time so grateful that i have the opportunity to be free. so, i just wanna continue my quest from yesterday, really trying to get these things out in the open and off of me. trying to be…transparent. [ummm, not easy].

5. do i find myself withdrawing in groups and rarely take part in conversations, jokes, fun?
hmmmmm, can you guess what my answer may be? yes. but like all of the other questions, i know i don’t practice this all the time. but the times i practice it, it is darkness, not light. quite frankly, i enjoy people for the most part…not selfish ones(could i be wounded by selfish people? i think so), but people. when i start noticing that someone keeps referring to their life repeatedly, i tend to shy away. and it all goes back to how i am feeling and what kind of mood i am in. i hate moods. i hate my flesh. i am currently and continuously in battle with them both to get them completely out of me. i know i tend to withdraw if i don’t feel welcome or what not. and it depends on who i am with. not everyone is welcome into my domain. it goes back to that backstabbing, vulnerability thing. i know i need to loosen up, but when i’ve dealt with the people i’ve dealt with (and when i say people, i mean girls…) then its almost natural to me. and again, i am not justifying my behavior. it takes everything within me to tell my flesh to stop, then i have to repent, pray, get in the spirit mode, etc. its not always that easy. ugggghhh, have i mentioned that i am completely over being wounded? the more i ask myself these questions, the more crap i find. i would stop, but that would be giving up. i refuse to do that.

6. do i have trouble receiving praise from people?
ummm, yeah. i don’t always know what to say? i usually just stand there smiling as if i didn’t hear what they just said. i don’t do well. i don’t know what tone of voice to use to say “thank you”, i’m not sure how my body language should be and i don’t know if they’re lying. i think that is the case. i’ve had not genuine praise before and that hurts. so i guess i just sit there, read your body language to see if you are lying and if you are, i walk away. then i build my walls up and then i don’t want anything to do with you. i already have pre-judged you and chosen to not communicate or have connection with you. wow. i have a lot of work to do. [its crazy how much you realize about yourself when you type...my mind is just going and i am typing. then i go back and read. i didn't realize i was this hurt, this affected, this setback and this much in bondage. i didn't reazlie how bad my reactions were and how often i put up walls, you should try this. you might learn a lot about yourself!]. i have NO clue how to just say “thank you” and smile. [note to self: practice in mirror].

7. do i seek to be in control of my relationships?
OF COURSE I DO! have you noticed a pattern? when most people describe me, the words “independent, non-conforming, strong and dominant” are used. and while being strong, independent or non-conforming can have good characteristics, i don’t always characterize those positive characteristics. i tend to be on the other side where i don’t need you or your help. i tend to think i can handle all things on my own and my decisions and ways are better [im a planner people, i like order, an agenda, a timeline, a purpose...i rarely just "go do things"... (except for tattoos!)].  so i feel that i should be the one calling shots, especially when no one will make a decision. and again, if i have the wheel you can’t hurt me. if i detect you are about to hurt me, that’s fine…cause i’m in control and i can get to you first. really, truly that’s how i work. i bet a lot of other people work that way, too….they would just never admit it. if i know i am about to be attacked, i already have my posse ready…you know, the walls, the attitude, the moods, the neck popping…remember, i’m a planner? lol. no, but seriously i do it to protect myself. protect my feelings, my heart and frankly just me. i get tired of being stepped on. maybe i should start a “WA” group for wounded anonymous? cause i would not only be the president, but i’m also a client. good grief. i don’t like me.

{i almost stopped here, i felt i was a bit too transparent, but it could only get worse…then get better}

8. do i have a need to dominate or intimate people?
apparently i do this without trying. and i will admit that i certainly like feeling this way. if i know i intimidate you, that means you won’t get close enough to hurt me (can we say CYCLE?…not to be confused with psycho…). if i keep you at arms length away, you will never experience my heart, see my heart or look into my eyes. my eyes say EVERYTHING about me. i don’t NEED to intimidate people, but i will admit that to my flesh it feels nice. you aren’t a worry then. i guess its a way for me to be valued, important. hmmm, i’m thinking this could be a sign that i am wounded. so if i feel that you aren’t too scared to get close, i feel safe and secure…ouch. yeah, i am wounded.

9. am i opinionated and have a deep need to be right and prove a point?
believe it or not, i know i am not always right. i do, however, always feel the need for my point to be heard either way. a relationship i had kept me in the fetus position for so long, so now that i am so “independent”, i think you need to hear what i say [neck pop to follow that statement]. this is not a good thing. i dislike when people rebuttle, yet i enjoy rebuttling. i don’t like to just sit down and take things. i would like my opinion to be heard, which in turn makes me feel valued. which in turn is all connected to the fact that i am wounded and want to feel valued.

10. do i delight in other people’s failures?
uh-huh. sure. if they didn’t do it the way i see as correct, i think i do. you should plan, think ahead, etc…not do things on a “whim”…so when i see you fail because of lack of preparation, yes i sit and delight that maybe you should do it “right”. i also delight when people have to rely on others because they can’t do it on their own. so, yeah. i don’t have much else to say about this. i am pretty much a sucky person.

okay, well i think thats enough for today. i’m sure if anyone reads this your opinion of me has greatly change and you realize if more that i am a stinky, fleshly, sin-induced comatic person. however, i won’ t be here long. i plan to be free soon. completely free. and i plan on staying that way. its coming, i just have to keep on trucking…

i am in a quest to be free and tear down walls. its
constant, but i am determined to break free and break through.

i’ve noticed that i am a pretty good wall builder;
i could probably contract out to build walls for others i am so good.

so here is a continuation of getting through and breaking free…with help from pt, of course.

1. do i easily get my feelings hurt?
as a matter of fact, i do. i have done better ever since i completed the icit chapter on getting offended, but i still get my feelings hurt easily. when i don’t feel like joking around or i am not “in the mood”, words cut me. and i allow them. i have been so hurt so bad in my past that there are few times that i can handle harsh or unkind words. its years of being rejected and torn apart and now this is the outcome. i may get hurt because i don’t understand someone or because i don’t understand a situation. i may get hurt because i am left out. i may get hurt because you don’t understand me. it could be a number of things that i allow to come in and slash me apart. so, yes i get hurt easily therefore yes, i am wounded.

2. am i possessive of get jealous easily in my relationships?
yes i do. not that any of the reasons i list are excuses, its just things that have happened to me that i see are signs of woundedness in my life. they are not, by any means, excuses or justifications for my behavior. there is no justification for behavior that is not Christlike. i don’t care if you are a pastor or a peasant..we are all the same, despite what you think. i have had plenty of “fair weather friends”. girls are snots in my book (opinion caused by wound). especially church girls. they are in fact the worst. i have had plenty of “friends” through the years. the true friends i ended up having were always good ol’ baptist girls. they seem to have their heads on straight, or at least the ones in my life. but a majority of the “friends” in my life now have talked about me at one time or another. backstabbed me. so i want to control relationships in order to not get hurt. im tired of people running their mouths and backstabbing me without knowing me. and the majority of people don’t really know me. i feel that if i control the friendships or my relationships with guys that i am less likely to get hurt. i can keep you really close and spend all my time with you and you won’t have the chance to backstab me like a lot of other people have….it is much easier to control situations and people then to become vulnerable with a chance of being hurt. yeah, i am wounded.

3. am i offended when not invited to a special event by other friends or peers?
yes, not all the time, but yes. i think this reflects back on controlling my relationships. i find it really hurtful at times (and depending on the situation) to be left out. i know that i have been left out enough times that it has caused deep bitterness towards others. and i just can’t have that in my life anymore. i can be such a brat, i realize this. i am not denying nor justifying “why i am the way i am”. and i am not telling people to take me as i am necessarily. i do tend to feel “out of the loop” when not invited to certain things. not all things, i assure you, but yes there have been a few times. hi, my name is lisa and i am wounded.

4. do i find myself putting up walls of protection so people don’t know how i really feel inside?
didn’t i just say i could contract my wall building work out? ha. yeah i like building walls because i feel protected. you can’t pick on me, hurt me, embarrass me, point me out negatively, etc. there are lots of things you cannot do because my walls are tall and thick. like shaq…tall and thick. when i am with a group depending “on how i feel” depends on if i choose to erect more walls or be who i am. i also think a lot of it has to do with people not liking my energy and so i can shut down. i like being people but if i sense negativity then i shut down. when i shut down, walls shoot up. its a vicious cycle that has to come to an end. but these questions are helping me realize how unapproachable and ugly i can be. its not just a way to make excuses, its a way for me to see myself as others see me. if i am only reflecting myself then i suck at this disciple thing. i have got to get to a place where i can deal with these things and let Christ and His light impact others, when people see me they should see Him. thats the straight truth.

i hate reading long posts, so i will stop now. i am currently seeking the Lord and His wisdom as i become completely free. i refuse to continue living my life this way…period.  so there will probably be another part and another part until i really get all this junk out.

in fact i feel a budren lifted already…

i woke up this morning, thinking i needed to have another
transformation in my life. its not that i am doing anything horrible.
i don’t purposely live in sin.
but i just noticed that i am really struggling in practicing light
ALL during the day. i can live MOST of the day in light when i
am super focused, but the rest is just a BIG, yucky mess.

living in light is not easy. its a constant checking, reviewing, praying and communicating
with the creator of the universe. i have to always be reviewing my thoughts, my words, my emotions and
everything else that i deal with as a human. my flesh wants SO bad to just be flesh.
but my heart and my spirit yearn to take control and do so ALL the time.

not just on sunday mornings.
in front of church folk friends.
at band practice.
at prayer.
i want it to be a constant, all the time thing!
i NEED it to be a constant, all the time thing!

i must re-connect and re-evaluate all things in my life
and dig them out for peeps to see.
yup….so i guess i will start now.
AGAIN.

am i wounded?
pt handed out a sheet a church last week full of questions. the questions were to help us identify if we were wounded and then we could pray and be healed from our woundedness to have FREEDOM!

the thing is i answered “yes” to about 50% of the questions or more. OVER HALF i answered “yes” to proving that there was a crap load more of stuff to deal with and dig out and get out and heal from.

• i build walls. i was hurt REALLY bad by one butt head, now in turn i hurt others and can be a butt head.
• i have an attitude. i use it so you can’t really get to me.
• i have mood swings. i usually want things my way. compromise is something i am working on and even better i am working on SELFLESSNESS.
• i get jealous when people use me and move on.
• when i get used by people, i tend to shut the “lisa store” down for others.
• i have low self-esteem.
• i like to have control in certain situations…not all (seriously). i have been working on this for years but just realized the roots…
• i get offended easily when people judge me before really knowing me…but i build walls so does everyone really know me?
• i am still not COMPLETELY vulnerable to my future hubby, but i am working on it because i LOVE him so much!
• i try to impress others with trying to sound smarter (i know its silly)…but i feel so ignorant being that i have taught a lower grade for years and my vocabulary is like….nothing.

i just wanna fix myself and get rid of all this crap inside of me! its a daily thing to check and re-check myself and get things together. its crazy how much of my past is currently withholding my free future…not just my future. i have a future either way but i want a future with FREEDOM!

 

 

Lord i just need more of You. when i read Your word i pray the words jump off the page and in my face. let me hit my right in the head and let them soak in. i need You to speak to me in a greater way when i speak to You. speak to me through your sky, trees, people, etc….

help me to see what else is wrong and fix it.

im desperate to be like you and im desperate to get out of bondage!