i woke up this morning, thinking i needed to have another
transformation in my life. its not that i am doing anything horrible.
i don’t purposely live in sin.
but i just noticed that i am really struggling in practicing light
ALL during the day. i can live MOST of the day in light when i
am super focused, but the rest is just a BIG, yucky mess.

living in light is not easy. its a constant checking, reviewing, praying and communicating
with the creator of the universe. i have to always be reviewing my thoughts, my words, my emotions and
everything else that i deal with as a human. my flesh wants SO bad to just be flesh.
but my heart and my spirit yearn to take control and do so ALL the time.

not just on sunday mornings.
in front of church folk friends.
at band practice.
at prayer.
i want it to be a constant, all the time thing!
i NEED it to be a constant, all the time thing!

i must re-connect and re-evaluate all things in my life
and dig them out for peeps to see.
yup….so i guess i will start now.
AGAIN.

am i wounded?
pt handed out a sheet a church last week full of questions. the questions were to help us identify if we were wounded and then we could pray and be healed from our woundedness to have FREEDOM!

the thing is i answered “yes” to about 50% of the questions or more. OVER HALF i answered “yes” to proving that there was a crap load more of stuff to deal with and dig out and get out and heal from.

• i build walls. i was hurt REALLY bad by one butt head, now in turn i hurt others and can be a butt head.
• i have an attitude. i use it so you can’t really get to me.
• i have mood swings. i usually want things my way. compromise is something i am working on and even better i am working on SELFLESSNESS.
• i get jealous when people use me and move on.
• when i get used by people, i tend to shut the “lisa store” down for others.
• i have low self-esteem.
• i like to have control in certain situations…not all (seriously). i have been working on this for years but just realized the roots…
• i get offended easily when people judge me before really knowing me…but i build walls so does everyone really know me?
• i am still not COMPLETELY vulnerable to my future hubby, but i am working on it because i LOVE him so much!
• i try to impress others with trying to sound smarter (i know its silly)…but i feel so ignorant being that i have taught a lower grade for years and my vocabulary is like….nothing.

i just wanna fix myself and get rid of all this crap inside of me! its a daily thing to check and re-check myself and get things together. its crazy how much of my past is currently withholding my free future…not just my future. i have a future either way but i want a future with FREEDOM!

 

 

Lord i just need more of You. when i read Your word i pray the words jump off the page and in my face. let me hit my right in the head and let them soak in. i need You to speak to me in a greater way when i speak to You. speak to me through your sky, trees, people, etc….

help me to see what else is wrong and fix it.

im desperate to be like you and im desperate to get out of bondage!