i am in a quest to be free and tear down walls. its
constant, but i am determined to break free and break through.

i’ve noticed that i am a pretty good wall builder;
i could probably contract out to build walls for others i am so good.

so here is a continuation of getting through and breaking free…with help from pt, of course.

1. do i easily get my feelings hurt?
as a matter of fact, i do. i have done better ever since i completed the icit chapter on getting offended, but i still get my feelings hurt easily. when i don’t feel like joking around or i am not “in the mood”, words cut me. and i allow them. i have been so hurt so bad in my past that there are few times that i can handle harsh or unkind words. its years of being rejected and torn apart and now this is the outcome. i may get hurt because i don’t understand someone or because i don’t understand a situation. i may get hurt because i am left out. i may get hurt because you don’t understand me. it could be a number of things that i allow to come in and slash me apart. so, yes i get hurt easily therefore yes, i am wounded.

2. am i possessive of get jealous easily in my relationships?
yes i do. not that any of the reasons i list are excuses, its just things that have happened to me that i see are signs of woundedness in my life. they are not, by any means, excuses or justifications for my behavior. there is no justification for behavior that is not Christlike. i don’t care if you are a pastor or a peasant..we are all the same, despite what you think. i have had plenty of “fair weather friends”. girls are snots in my book (opinion caused by wound). especially church girls. they are in fact the worst. i have had plenty of “friends” through the years. the true friends i ended up having were always good ol’ baptist girls. they seem to have their heads on straight, or at least the ones in my life. but a majority of the “friends” in my life now have talked about me at one time or another. backstabbed me. so i want to control relationships in order to not get hurt. im tired of people running their mouths and backstabbing me without knowing me. and the majority of people don’t really know me. i feel that if i control the friendships or my relationships with guys that i am less likely to get hurt. i can keep you really close and spend all my time with you and you won’t have the chance to backstab me like a lot of other people have….it is much easier to control situations and people then to become vulnerable with a chance of being hurt. yeah, i am wounded.

3. am i offended when not invited to a special event by other friends or peers?
yes, not all the time, but yes. i think this reflects back on controlling my relationships. i find it really hurtful at times (and depending on the situation) to be left out. i know that i have been left out enough times that it has caused deep bitterness towards others. and i just can’t have that in my life anymore. i can be such a brat, i realize this. i am not denying nor justifying “why i am the way i am”. and i am not telling people to take me as i am necessarily. i do tend to feel “out of the loop” when not invited to certain things. not all things, i assure you, but yes there have been a few times. hi, my name is lisa and i am wounded.

4. do i find myself putting up walls of protection so people don’t know how i really feel inside?
didn’t i just say i could contract my wall building work out? ha. yeah i like building walls because i feel protected. you can’t pick on me, hurt me, embarrass me, point me out negatively, etc. there are lots of things you cannot do because my walls are tall and thick. like shaq…tall and thick. when i am with a group depending “on how i feel” depends on if i choose to erect more walls or be who i am. i also think a lot of it has to do with people not liking my energy and so i can shut down. i like being people but if i sense negativity then i shut down. when i shut down, walls shoot up. its a vicious cycle that has to come to an end. but these questions are helping me realize how unapproachable and ugly i can be. its not just a way to make excuses, its a way for me to see myself as others see me. if i am only reflecting myself then i suck at this disciple thing. i have got to get to a place where i can deal with these things and let Christ and His light impact others, when people see me they should see Him. thats the straight truth.

i hate reading long posts, so i will stop now. i am currently seeking the Lord and His wisdom as i become completely free. i refuse to continue living my life this way…period.  so there will probably be another part and another part until i really get all this junk out.

in fact i feel a budren lifted already…