Healing from Woundedness…
Woundedness is everywhere whether you and I want to admit it. Its in people we work with, drive by in their cars, in our waiters and waitresses, in our children’s teachers and most of all, it is in our churches. There are thousands, no, wait…millions..nope, make that…billions of people on this place called Earth that have been wounded in their past in some shape or form. Most of us do not even realize that we have been hurt and could not possibly identify it at any given time. We have disguised it for who we are, our make-up of our being and our personality. And for so long we have accepted people the way that they are so “we don’t hurt their feelings” or “crush their inside being”. So we have allowed woundedness to take root in our lives, allowing these things to build walls and penetrate our souls, and voila’….we have attitude stricken, moody infused, emotional roller coaster, unstable and “my way is the only way” people. And they are sitting in the pews & chairs of our churches…Hmmm.
I am going through a healing process as I type.
I have dealt with things for so long, allowed them to penetrate into my very being and I have just kept them secret so not to expose myself or anyone else involved in the matter. But, today is a great day…you see, I have decided to let it all out for the world to read, to see, to hear and maybe give someone, anyone a dash of hope in conquering the things in their lives.
I have decided to make myself transparent so that, I, Lisa June, made be free and made whole through my Savior Jesus Christ.
I am a 26 year old female who is single (as in the marriage arena…I am completely taken by a wonderful, godly, supportive young lad who is of high stature, handsome and intelligent. After all, he did choose me. J). I have dealt with rejection my entire life. Yes, you read that correctly friends, rejection. Its been a root that I have been persistently trying to dig out of my life for the past two months. I want to get rid of it completely and I don’t ever want it to come back. It is an ugly, destructive, vile, tainted and ungodly root and it has no place in my life. After all, I am the daughter of a king, the Most High King to be exact.
I have a wonderful life. Although I may not have sat in the lap of luxury or wore name brands, I did not lack in anything. I always had a full belly, clothes on my back, a bed to lay my head on and plenty of friends. My mom stayed at home until I was 12 and we moved down here.
But there were some things that I just thought were normal in my household. My dad was a great dad…he brought home the bacon, all that good jazz. But when he came home he always sat in the same recliner, watched the same pattern of shows on the television and would rub his fingers across the remote slowly, but surely, removing the meaning of every button on the control. I know he was tired and meant well, but that is what happened. Every night, it was the same pattern at my home…so to me, this was what a “normal family life” was. I would leave to go hang out with my friends and say, “Bye Dad I love you” with no response or acknowledgement. It was a continuous cycle that has slowly come to restoration…and one that is still in the process of restoration. I did not feel that I was worth anything at my home unless I did something spectacular or went above and beyond with every feat that I attempted. So that left me looking for love in all the wrong places…. And thus is the story with almost every other girl. This, my friend, was the beginning of the rejection in my life. The root of my rejection that took me places no one should have to go…
I met *Rich on a blind date the last part of my junior year in high school. He seemed to be a decent guy who held a stable job, had his own car and was about to graduate high school. Do you want to know the best part? He went to church! Oh my goodness! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I felt that I had hit the jackpot with a born-again Christian boy. How could things be bad? The relationship started out great, going out to eat, he would buy me things, take me places and spend quality time with me. It was the attention I had always wanted, but never had. I felt as if God Himself had just come down and knocked my socks off! The relationship quickly escaladed from pure and fun to one that involved sex. I lost my virginity at seventeen, seven months into the relationship, to a guy who would eventually defile me. But to me, at the time, it was romantic and intimate. Oh how I loved the intimacy…or so I thought. It was like a whirlwind romance right off the pages of an intense, best-selling novel. I was in a type of utopia, a validated utopia.
The following year things slowly began to become rocky and unstable in our relationship. He had had a pager on my hip since our third month together and now would quickly become irate if I did not answer his page (I had no cell phone, mind you). When I was paged, when that beeper beeped, I had better find a phone and find it quickly or the degrading would begin. He began yelling, throwing things and saying awful things to me. I did not understand, I was unsure. Was it me? What did I do? I thought I had done something wrong, had let him down in such an incredible way that I would just put my head down and take it…all of it.
Every word. I allowed every word to penetrate within me thus increasing the growth of the root.
As our relationship was on the downward spiral, it increased dramatically one evening. I don’t remember too much of this evening. (I have forcefully blocked several of these events out of my memory so that I have no excuses for self-pity, self-loathing or getting back into this same cycle again). The only thing that I remember is that I wanted him to know that I did not want to be in an impure relationship anymore… the immoral lifestyle was eating me alive. I knew it was wrong and I wanted it to stop. I knew that I had bigger and better things in my life than sex, I wanted it to stop. I spoke with Rich about it and he somewhat agreed. It was obvious that he was not super excited about giving up this part of our relationship, but relunctantly agreed to sustain my happiness. So, we were having a good time, or so I thought. Watching a movie, cuddling…you know all the “safe” things we permit in our relationships in order to prevent any immoral failure. But then his hands began to move in places I did not want him to touch. I told him, “No”. He kept going. I continued to say, “No”. The more I said “No” the more he kept going. It turned into him forcefully receiving his gratification while I sobbed over what had just happened.
Another wound to add to my pile of hurt…
Now let me tell you, that I was scared. He threatened me, threatened to tell my dad everything, threatened to tell my friends things, just threatened me…so I remained quiet and I remained his girlfriend. For another year and a half, I allowed this poor excuse for a man take advantage of me over and over in addition I allowed him to wound me over and over, deeper and deeper. Walls in my life became bigger, higher, thicker and stronger.
It all “ended” one night when he wanted to stay the night with me at my house while my roomie was out of town. I told him “No”, but he showed up on my front steps anyway. He insisted on staying, so I told him he could stay on the couch, but that he certainly could not stay in my room…that ticked him off right there. He was outraged, angry and I could see his face turn red and the look in his eyes changed. He punched a hole in my living room wall and then he came and punched a hole in bedroom door. For some reason, at this time, I was not scared, I was hot, mad, just as ticked as he was. I left my room, got in his face and told him to get out of my house…then he decided to put his hands on me. I landed on the floor. I got up and went to my room. He followed me in there still angry…The only other thing I remember about that night is laying in the fetal position praying that I would see daylight again. The next morning I got in his face again and said, “I never want to see you again. Come back and fix this hole you put in the wall and then we are over”.
The walls became; bigger, thicker, stronger, wider, more durable…
I had a few more run-ins with Rich, but eventually weened him out of my life. But, because of one guy, I was wounded, defiled, taken advantage of and for years, I was ashamed, guilty, felt dirty, felt incompotent…all of these things that I was not created to be. This happened over 9 years ago and I am still healing from this, dealing with this, being restored from this NINE YEARS LATER.
Let me encourage you…first of all I did not go that much in depth on these happenings…Why? The blog would be pages long…but please hear my heart: What you consider to be a part of normal life or what happened to you in the past does not have to affect who you are today. There is freedom and it is through Jesus Christ. He is the ultimate healer, the ultimate restorer, the ultimate root digger-outer, he is everything. And, although is may be painful when plucking at your roots and digging them out, the freedom is so worth every painstaking moment that you deal with it. I know that I want to be free. I want out of this mundane life. I want full victory and I want the enemy to be defeated. So here it is, the me that no one really knows. Its a part of the process…
So…its your turn. Be transparent. Get free! Start today, right now, this instant.
LJ. 
Part II will only come as Holy Spirit leads me on this journey of restoration && freedom.
