The first thing that I have to get off my chest is this… 2009 is actually my 10 year reunion from high school. YUCK.  But I do admit I look really great for my age! And now I will move on….

2009 is gearing up to be an exciting, excellent, elevating, eventful and encouraging year! I also know that with these things are going to come testings ,obstacles, struggles and maybe a little chastisement (for when I choose to not do the right thing, maybe…hoping this will NOT happen!). I am shifting my mindset for these things and for what is to come. I am preparing my spirit to handle these things and to tell my soul (mind, heart, emotions, personality) to quit trying to control everything. I must learn to fully rely on my spirit and Father God rather than what I think is best.

This year is so different than any other year. Despite getting married in under six months (Holy Cow!), I have a lot of training and equipping that is going on in my life. In addition, I also have been put into activation.

The first goal I hope and pray to accomplish in 2009 is my fast. Fasting is very difficult for me. I LOVE FOOD! I love Olive Garden, Elizabeths Pizza and Atlantic Bread Company, but I am praying for God to lead me and show me new things as I fast fin order to receieve clarification, revelation and spiritual adrenaline. My ultimate goal would be 40 days. I start today. I am viewing this fast one day at a time not as a whole group of days.  I am continually preparing my mind and spirit. This is a test for me.

Some other new things I am tackling are:

• Teaching, delegating and facilitating the ICIT course at UFC
• Undergoing leadership training in the “In Search of Timothy” yearlong intense sessions
• Teaching “Ultimate Kidz” at UFC
• Worship leading on Ultimate Praise
• Life Mentoring with Pastor Timothy
• Marriage counseling with Pastors Timothy & Diane

The list can continue. But these things above are high priority on my list. As I look at them I remember the wonderful triangle of “Rights and Responsibilties” and the verse which says, “To whom much is given, much is required”.

Can I remind you that we don’t “earn”, “desereve” or “prove” in order to receive gifts from Father God? He simply gives as he sees fit. So if you have a lot of gifts with a lot of things to do…the one thing you should not do is complain or say, “It’s not fair”. I can already tell you you are correct:  its not fair. So…Deal. Take your gifts and move onto the new year ready to tackle the things the Lord has laid out for you!

What are you new goals, purposes and plans for 2009?!?

I absolutely refuse to be discouraged.
Fearful.
Angry.
Sad.
Disappointed.
Scared.

I do, however, choose to know that my God:
still reigns.
has not left me.
knows what He is doing.
knew this wasn’t a surprise.
is not worried one bit.
still knows I am His favorite.
still holds my future.
will still bless me and keep me.
will protect me.
will not let harm come near me.
is close.
is Almighty.
is Holy.
is Sovereign.
is Righteous.
is my maker.
is my friend.
is my lover.
can heal my sickness.
can heal my wounds.
controls my finances.
is in charge of my relationships.
can change the world.
can move mountains.
can change individuals.
can change a city.
can change a state.
can change a nation.

 

I AM ABSOLUTELY NOT DEFEATED…
BACK TO WAR.

 

LB.

First of all, I have decided to no longer type in all lowercase letters.
For some reason, I think the Lord is having me type correctly for a purpose…
Whenever I find out why….I will let you know, too!

When you read the Word of God, let me ask you, do you really understand?
Do you really understand the words on the page?
Are they penetrating into your life?
Are they penetrating into your spririt man?
Are they making such a HUGE impact on your life that you are not the same after you read them?

How many times do we read Matthew 16:24 and Mark 8:34-35 and say,
“Oh yes, Lord, turn me from my selfish ways. Amen” and then go about living our life without
any significant impact?

ALL THE TIME…or it would be impacting other people.

Matthew 16:24: “Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your corss, and follow me.’”

Mark 8:34-35: “Then, calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, ‘If any of you wants to be my follwers, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me’…But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will be saved.’”

These words are red letter edition, friends.
This means that Jesus spoke this into exsistence and into the earth and its atmosphere.

First off, let me point out that Jesus did not say we HAD to follow him, he simply said, “If you want to…”.
He is a gentleman by all means. He would not force himself on anyone.
God created us with free will and minds so that we were able to make the decision for ourselves.
So the first question is: Do you really, truly WANT to be a disciple?
A want is characterized by the fact that it is to feel a want or desire for, wish for, to need, crave, demand.
Do you really WANT Jesus? Do we truly WANT to be a disciple?
You must make a choice, a decision before you go anywhere else.
You have the power and right to choose.

When you have made your decision and decided that, yes, you want to be a disciple…it doesn’t end there.
The next part says, “You must turn from your selfish ways”.
How many of us will truly admit that we are selfish?
Be truthful, we are all flesh, born into sin and it is our carnal nature to be selfish.
It is embedded into us at birth and continues to be pressed into our skulls through our wonderful society.
MUST: to be obliged or bound to by an imperative requirement.
TURN: to reverse the position or placement of.
When we decide that Jesus is who we want to follow, now is where our choices
have to end; should end; come to a halt; stop.
We have no choice in the matter of turning from our selfish ways. We have to. Its a requirement in the
Kingdom of Heaven. Its not some “legalistic” ideal or idea, its the very heart of Christ.
We have to turn ourselves away from where our fleshly human carnal selves have allowed us to be placed
and completely rotate out of this position we are “comfortable” in.

Oh, but then Jesus says I have to give up my life? Really? Truly? Is he serious?
YEP.
How in the world can an Almighty God use you if you have your own:
plan?
will?
agenda?
timeline?
routine?
HE CAN’T.

Until we come to a place where we realize that the Kindgom of Heaven is far greater and more important
than our own lives, our own bogs, our myspace and facebook pages, our trips to coffee shops and many other things we feel we MUST do….we aren’t really disciples.
Remember, Jesus asked his father, our father, that if there be any other way[other than for him to die]…to please let it be that way. But Jesus also said that if his death was his father’s will, then to let it be done.
Who is more selfless than that?
Jesus laid down his own agenda so that he could complete the will of his father and
help ensure the opportunity to bring Heaven to earth.

Lord, help me to realize that above all, that your Good News and the Kingdom of Heaven is far more important that anything involving me or my life. Help me to see it as you see it. Help me to realize that I have nothing and I am nothing without pursuing with full force to see your kingdom on this earth. I pray that these verses penetrate deep into the core of my being so that I die to myself daily, lay down my own plans for your plans and I start strategically downloading ways you want your will done. In Jesus mighty, awesome, holy and righteous name…AMEN.

So, my question to you now is:
Do you REALLY WANT to be a disciple and TURN from your selfish ways?!?

i understand that i am a pretty dominant girl.
okay a really dominant girl.
but, if you are not taking the bull by the horns, well heck, i will do it.
i cannot sit and wait around on you to get the job done. i will just do it myself, right?!?
this include anything from work at school to spiritual battles….

today was amazing. uttterly amazing.

we went to church, like we normally do on sunday mornings.
it was an incredible time of pressing in and
i began to sense some warfare in my spirit.
i shared with pastor timothy about it and continued to press in.

then he took it a step further… “its time for the men in the church to be a man…”
and can i say, YES IT IS!

for years, the men have slowly stepped out of the limelight and become tolerant of our world.
whether its been a slight withdrawal or one that was full force, the fact remains
that the men in the church nowadays..well, um, SUCK.
they are passive.
they are apathetic.
they are quite.
they dont pray.
they dont seek.
they dont fast.
they have no relationship with Christ.
when leaders call out to their houses to pray, the women are the first ones
to grab hold of it and run. and you HEAR them. they are LOUD.
but ask a man to pray…you might as well go to the library…because you can hear a pin drop.
they sit in the back of the church hoping they will go unnoticed and
quickly exit so that they are not held accountable to anything or anyone.
i know the game.

can i tell you the women in the church are tired?
tired of doing your job, men. tired of taking up the slack on behalf on the family because you dont
want to “offend the world” or because you want to be “masculine” with your buddies.
the women are tired of having to take care of themselves and YOUR BEHIND.

wanna know masculine to me? answer me these:

1. if i am attacked by the enemy, can you pray, intercede and stand in the gap for me?
2. do you know how to handle demon possession?
3. can you pray LOUD and HARD?
4. can you TRAVAIL?
5. can you fast until BREAKTHROUGH?
6. will you be a watchman at night when you hear the Lord speak?
7. will you be the head of the household, more than just with money?
8. can you handle the finances?
9. can you be Christlike in character?
10. will you be a pillar of righteousness?
11. will you be a man of truth?
12. do you know the Word more than me?
13. can you impart to me?
14. can you engage in battle, despite the cost or casuality possibility?
15. can you pray, in front of people and in your prayer closet?
16. can you be a father…a true father?
17. do you yield to Holy Spirit?
18. are you unshakable in your faith?
19. are you unashamed of your savior?
20. can you worship with abadonment?
21. will you dance before the Lord?
22. will you SHOUT for victory?
23. will you give of your time and MONEY when the Lord says to?
24. are you obedient?
25. are you teachable?
26. can you submit to authority?
27. are you selfless?
28. are you becoming highly skilled and advanced trained in the Word of God?
29. do you have a passion for the hurting, the dying, the hungry, the thirty and the lost?
30. are you IN LOVE with Jesus?

if you answer “yes” to all of those questions, you could very possibly find you
one heck of a godly woman. but if you cant handle these things, she would rather
be alone….cause we are tired of taking care of you pansy fellas.

grow some balls boys…this ain’t your momma’s church service anymore.
its a passionate, committed, in love, unshakable, living, breathing, unashamed, Christlike lifestyle.

be a man. pimpslap religion…

WARNING:i write from the depths of me. i don’t pre-plan any of my writing (although i am a planner). its a lot easier to be transparent and the real “me” if i just type what is in my head. so there may be parts you find appalling or you don’t like…i don’t mind. i know i have to do this for me. to be free. i recommend trying this, to see whats holding you back from being free. its hard, its harsh, but will be so worth it in the end, but be transparent. its the best way to be… lb.

“investigate my life, o God, find out everything about me; cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what i’m about; and see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” psalms 139:23-24… [msg/amp].

 

yeah, he’s pointed out a lot in me lately…he has cross-examined me and revealed things to me. i hate to see the junk i have let in and hoarded up, but at the same time so grateful that i have the opportunity to be free. so, i just wanna continue my quest from yesterday, really trying to get these things out in the open and off of me. trying to be…transparent. [ummm, not easy].

5. do i find myself withdrawing in groups and rarely take part in conversations, jokes, fun?
hmmmmm, can you guess what my answer may be? yes. but like all of the other questions, i know i don’t practice this all the time. but the times i practice it, it is darkness, not light. quite frankly, i enjoy people for the most part…not selfish ones(could i be wounded by selfish people? i think so), but people. when i start noticing that someone keeps referring to their life repeatedly, i tend to shy away. and it all goes back to how i am feeling and what kind of mood i am in. i hate moods. i hate my flesh. i am currently and continuously in battle with them both to get them completely out of me. i know i tend to withdraw if i don’t feel welcome or what not. and it depends on who i am with. not everyone is welcome into my domain. it goes back to that backstabbing, vulnerability thing. i know i need to loosen up, but when i’ve dealt with the people i’ve dealt with (and when i say people, i mean girls…) then its almost natural to me. and again, i am not justifying my behavior. it takes everything within me to tell my flesh to stop, then i have to repent, pray, get in the spirit mode, etc. its not always that easy. ugggghhh, have i mentioned that i am completely over being wounded? the more i ask myself these questions, the more crap i find. i would stop, but that would be giving up. i refuse to do that.

6. do i have trouble receiving praise from people?
ummm, yeah. i don’t always know what to say? i usually just stand there smiling as if i didn’t hear what they just said. i don’t do well. i don’t know what tone of voice to use to say “thank you”, i’m not sure how my body language should be and i don’t know if they’re lying. i think that is the case. i’ve had not genuine praise before and that hurts. so i guess i just sit there, read your body language to see if you are lying and if you are, i walk away. then i build my walls up and then i don’t want anything to do with you. i already have pre-judged you and chosen to not communicate or have connection with you. wow. i have a lot of work to do. [its crazy how much you realize about yourself when you type...my mind is just going and i am typing. then i go back and read. i didn't realize i was this hurt, this affected, this setback and this much in bondage. i didn't reazlie how bad my reactions were and how often i put up walls, you should try this. you might learn a lot about yourself!]. i have NO clue how to just say “thank you” and smile. [note to self: practice in mirror].

7. do i seek to be in control of my relationships?
OF COURSE I DO! have you noticed a pattern? when most people describe me, the words “independent, non-conforming, strong and dominant” are used. and while being strong, independent or non-conforming can have good characteristics, i don’t always characterize those positive characteristics. i tend to be on the other side where i don’t need you or your help. i tend to think i can handle all things on my own and my decisions and ways are better [im a planner people, i like order, an agenda, a timeline, a purpose...i rarely just "go do things"... (except for tattoos!)].  so i feel that i should be the one calling shots, especially when no one will make a decision. and again, if i have the wheel you can’t hurt me. if i detect you are about to hurt me, that’s fine…cause i’m in control and i can get to you first. really, truly that’s how i work. i bet a lot of other people work that way, too….they would just never admit it. if i know i am about to be attacked, i already have my posse ready…you know, the walls, the attitude, the moods, the neck popping…remember, i’m a planner? lol. no, but seriously i do it to protect myself. protect my feelings, my heart and frankly just me. i get tired of being stepped on. maybe i should start a “WA” group for wounded anonymous? cause i would not only be the president, but i’m also a client. good grief. i don’t like me.

{i almost stopped here, i felt i was a bit too transparent, but it could only get worse…then get better}

8. do i have a need to dominate or intimate people?
apparently i do this without trying. and i will admit that i certainly like feeling this way. if i know i intimidate you, that means you won’t get close enough to hurt me (can we say CYCLE?…not to be confused with psycho…). if i keep you at arms length away, you will never experience my heart, see my heart or look into my eyes. my eyes say EVERYTHING about me. i don’t NEED to intimidate people, but i will admit that to my flesh it feels nice. you aren’t a worry then. i guess its a way for me to be valued, important. hmmm, i’m thinking this could be a sign that i am wounded. so if i feel that you aren’t too scared to get close, i feel safe and secure…ouch. yeah, i am wounded.

9. am i opinionated and have a deep need to be right and prove a point?
believe it or not, i know i am not always right. i do, however, always feel the need for my point to be heard either way. a relationship i had kept me in the fetus position for so long, so now that i am so “independent”, i think you need to hear what i say [neck pop to follow that statement]. this is not a good thing. i dislike when people rebuttle, yet i enjoy rebuttling. i don’t like to just sit down and take things. i would like my opinion to be heard, which in turn makes me feel valued. which in turn is all connected to the fact that i am wounded and want to feel valued.

10. do i delight in other people’s failures?
uh-huh. sure. if they didn’t do it the way i see as correct, i think i do. you should plan, think ahead, etc…not do things on a “whim”…so when i see you fail because of lack of preparation, yes i sit and delight that maybe you should do it “right”. i also delight when people have to rely on others because they can’t do it on their own. so, yeah. i don’t have much else to say about this. i am pretty much a sucky person.

okay, well i think thats enough for today. i’m sure if anyone reads this your opinion of me has greatly change and you realize if more that i am a stinky, fleshly, sin-induced comatic person. however, i won’ t be here long. i plan to be free soon. completely free. and i plan on staying that way. its coming, i just have to keep on trucking…

i am in a quest to be free and tear down walls. its
constant, but i am determined to break free and break through.

i’ve noticed that i am a pretty good wall builder;
i could probably contract out to build walls for others i am so good.

so here is a continuation of getting through and breaking free…with help from pt, of course.

1. do i easily get my feelings hurt?
as a matter of fact, i do. i have done better ever since i completed the icit chapter on getting offended, but i still get my feelings hurt easily. when i don’t feel like joking around or i am not “in the mood”, words cut me. and i allow them. i have been so hurt so bad in my past that there are few times that i can handle harsh or unkind words. its years of being rejected and torn apart and now this is the outcome. i may get hurt because i don’t understand someone or because i don’t understand a situation. i may get hurt because i am left out. i may get hurt because you don’t understand me. it could be a number of things that i allow to come in and slash me apart. so, yes i get hurt easily therefore yes, i am wounded.

2. am i possessive of get jealous easily in my relationships?
yes i do. not that any of the reasons i list are excuses, its just things that have happened to me that i see are signs of woundedness in my life. they are not, by any means, excuses or justifications for my behavior. there is no justification for behavior that is not Christlike. i don’t care if you are a pastor or a peasant..we are all the same, despite what you think. i have had plenty of “fair weather friends”. girls are snots in my book (opinion caused by wound). especially church girls. they are in fact the worst. i have had plenty of “friends” through the years. the true friends i ended up having were always good ol’ baptist girls. they seem to have their heads on straight, or at least the ones in my life. but a majority of the “friends” in my life now have talked about me at one time or another. backstabbed me. so i want to control relationships in order to not get hurt. im tired of people running their mouths and backstabbing me without knowing me. and the majority of people don’t really know me. i feel that if i control the friendships or my relationships with guys that i am less likely to get hurt. i can keep you really close and spend all my time with you and you won’t have the chance to backstab me like a lot of other people have….it is much easier to control situations and people then to become vulnerable with a chance of being hurt. yeah, i am wounded.

3. am i offended when not invited to a special event by other friends or peers?
yes, not all the time, but yes. i think this reflects back on controlling my relationships. i find it really hurtful at times (and depending on the situation) to be left out. i know that i have been left out enough times that it has caused deep bitterness towards others. and i just can’t have that in my life anymore. i can be such a brat, i realize this. i am not denying nor justifying “why i am the way i am”. and i am not telling people to take me as i am necessarily. i do tend to feel “out of the loop” when not invited to certain things. not all things, i assure you, but yes there have been a few times. hi, my name is lisa and i am wounded.

4. do i find myself putting up walls of protection so people don’t know how i really feel inside?
didn’t i just say i could contract my wall building work out? ha. yeah i like building walls because i feel protected. you can’t pick on me, hurt me, embarrass me, point me out negatively, etc. there are lots of things you cannot do because my walls are tall and thick. like shaq…tall and thick. when i am with a group depending “on how i feel” depends on if i choose to erect more walls or be who i am. i also think a lot of it has to do with people not liking my energy and so i can shut down. i like being people but if i sense negativity then i shut down. when i shut down, walls shoot up. its a vicious cycle that has to come to an end. but these questions are helping me realize how unapproachable and ugly i can be. its not just a way to make excuses, its a way for me to see myself as others see me. if i am only reflecting myself then i suck at this disciple thing. i have got to get to a place where i can deal with these things and let Christ and His light impact others, when people see me they should see Him. thats the straight truth.

i hate reading long posts, so i will stop now. i am currently seeking the Lord and His wisdom as i become completely free. i refuse to continue living my life this way…period.  so there will probably be another part and another part until i really get all this junk out.

in fact i feel a budren lifted already…

i woke up this morning, thinking i needed to have another
transformation in my life. its not that i am doing anything horrible.
i don’t purposely live in sin.
but i just noticed that i am really struggling in practicing light
ALL during the day. i can live MOST of the day in light when i
am super focused, but the rest is just a BIG, yucky mess.

living in light is not easy. its a constant checking, reviewing, praying and communicating
with the creator of the universe. i have to always be reviewing my thoughts, my words, my emotions and
everything else that i deal with as a human. my flesh wants SO bad to just be flesh.
but my heart and my spirit yearn to take control and do so ALL the time.

not just on sunday mornings.
in front of church folk friends.
at band practice.
at prayer.
i want it to be a constant, all the time thing!
i NEED it to be a constant, all the time thing!

i must re-connect and re-evaluate all things in my life
and dig them out for peeps to see.
yup….so i guess i will start now.
AGAIN.

am i wounded?
pt handed out a sheet a church last week full of questions. the questions were to help us identify if we were wounded and then we could pray and be healed from our woundedness to have FREEDOM!

the thing is i answered “yes” to about 50% of the questions or more. OVER HALF i answered “yes” to proving that there was a crap load more of stuff to deal with and dig out and get out and heal from.

• i build walls. i was hurt REALLY bad by one butt head, now in turn i hurt others and can be a butt head.
• i have an attitude. i use it so you can’t really get to me.
• i have mood swings. i usually want things my way. compromise is something i am working on and even better i am working on SELFLESSNESS.
• i get jealous when people use me and move on.
• when i get used by people, i tend to shut the “lisa store” down for others.
• i have low self-esteem.
• i like to have control in certain situations…not all (seriously). i have been working on this for years but just realized the roots…
• i get offended easily when people judge me before really knowing me…but i build walls so does everyone really know me?
• i am still not COMPLETELY vulnerable to my future hubby, but i am working on it because i LOVE him so much!
• i try to impress others with trying to sound smarter (i know its silly)…but i feel so ignorant being that i have taught a lower grade for years and my vocabulary is like….nothing.

i just wanna fix myself and get rid of all this crap inside of me! its a daily thing to check and re-check myself and get things together. its crazy how much of my past is currently withholding my free future…not just my future. i have a future either way but i want a future with FREEDOM!

 

 

Lord i just need more of You. when i read Your word i pray the words jump off the page and in my face. let me hit my right in the head and let them soak in. i need You to speak to me in a greater way when i speak to You. speak to me through your sky, trees, people, etc….

help me to see what else is wrong and fix it.

im desperate to be like you and im desperate to get out of bondage!

1. i am so excited about what God is doing in my life. i am trying to make sure i am obedient and follow His wisdom. i pray that He continues to show me and use me. I am looking for the day to be completely free!
2. my birthday is thursday and it is not exciting for me. i would rather skip it this year, thank you very much. i will be glad to let someone else take that day.
3. i finally got zack his birthday present and if i don’t get voted “best girlfriend of the year”, i do believe i might be wounded and offended…which will in turn show my lack of maturity.
4. i met a lady who is like having a big sister and already feel kindred spirits with her. she is funny, wise and is hungry for realness. i admire her joy despite her adversity…i am not sure if i could do what she is doing while dealing with what she is dealing with.
5. pastor timothy continues to amaze me and choke me with his meat he continues to feed us on woundedness. i don’t understand why people don’t wanna deal with their wounds and live freely. what happened to the transparency of God’s chosen? we must be real to reach real people. i laugh, i cry, i wonder, i write…all of this while i soak in the wisdom that God has imparted the PT…then God downloads more into me as additions. you need to listen to some of his messages. read his blogs. his encounters and experiences with the Most High have prepared him for what he is doing. he is my spiritual father and i know he loves me.
6. i am so glad i got my eyebrows waxed today.
7. i am tired of dealing with immature, easily offeneded people. i love you, but grow up.
8. i urge you to go to the call in dc on 08.16.08. its a day of prayer, fasting and worship for our nation and we desperately need all of that. it is so imperative that we go and take a stand. its for the future of our children and grandchildren. im going so that next generation can experience more than a double portion of what i will and am experiencing.
9. im tired of movies at the theater being crude and stupid. can we make a decent film without damning the Most High and using the “f” bomb?
10. i return to a new classroom, new grade and new curriculum in less than a month. im a little nervous.
11. i wanna start sending cards out on people’s birthdays and anniversaries. i think it is great to connect with people with cards. i am starting today by writing it in a calendar.
12. mark 1 is a great analogy about ufc. hidden and secluded, but people keep coming.
13. i am growing more confident in my Jesus skills…as in, i listen better, i rely on Him more and i speak what He tells me to speak. and i am not intimidated. perfect love casts out all fear.
14. house hunting continues…pray that the Lord shows me exactly what to do and where to do it at. i am excited about having a home. and the fact it possibly will be brand spankin’ new.
15. i had a conversation with a girl named te’ at church and we connected on an even greater level. i cannot wait to spend more time with her.
16. zack and i started a guest list and we are up to 226. be aware, we are not feeding you dinner. just fyi.
17. i have a TON of laundry to do. seriously. its overwhelming.
18. zack and i are working on our relationship…not that its bad by any means, but we agreed that there is always room for improvement.
19. i may have to cut back my texting plan in order to help with bills at my new crib. this could be detrimental to my health.
20. Jesus Christ keeps me living, moving and breathing. i owe Him my everything and He owes me nothing. He is awesome and loving. i cannot contemplate life without Him. He is changing me day after day…it may be slowly, but there is change happening. i will be free from generational curses, wounds, junk, built up walls and religion. i will be the image of Him, i will catch Him.

i obviously don’t have a huge online fan base.
i am of no importance nor do i need to be.
it may be a great thing that i am able to get my thoughts out in a hidden place
and continue healing.

apparently there is a lot more in my life that i need to fix.
Holy Spirit continues to bring to my attention things in my life
that He was to take over. i just keep holding on for dear life. as if its mine or something.
He keeps pulling these things out of me to deal with whether i am ready; want to; or find the need to.
fact is: i asked for it, He is simply answering my fervent prayers.
ha. didn’t i fool myself.

the thing about woundedness is that it really comes of our no where when God begins to show you.
you like to deny it, say, “Lord, that didn’t hurt me”, as if He is wrong about your current wound.
because us in our flesh sure do like to tell God what its like
instead of listening to how He tells us it can be.
so i have been dealing and rooting out several things.
things that left me hurt, stranded, wondering, confused, wandering…the list goes on and on!
and while i am learning to deal with these issues that have made me, “me” and not “Him”,
i keep getting these new ones.

so then i’m left sitting here going, “what is the world just happened?”. seriously.
she said what? huh? how? what?…um, help.
as i deal with the big things that have taken root and try to get rid of things that make me “who i am”
i get these little knicks and scratches while satan is playing battle of the mind with me.
so i struggle, i try to take control, thinking if i handle them with my hands, the Lord
will be so proud of me and pat me on the back.

HA.

what He really wants to do is smack me (okay not really, but i would smack me)
all He wants me to do is say, “its yours Lord, take it, show me what to do to be free, healed, clean…”
what He really wants me to do is give everything to Him.
let Him drive for awhile, take the steering wheel, allow Him to be my GPS.
and i know all this.

so why is it so hard?

WOUNDEDNESS.
NOT WILLING TO BE VULNERABLE.

yeppers. thats its…right there.
i figure since i have been hurt by you and that other person
that God could possibly be the same way.
and i could end up hurt. and alone. and confused again.

NOT SO.

God is gracious, kind and loving. He is never disappointed in me…He just wants the best for me. He wants me to reach down and get out all the junk so that i am able to shine Him without distraction, blemish, ugliness, stain or wrinkle. He wants Him to be seen not any trace of me or “my personality”. i was not created to have my own personality, but to carry on His personality. i was not created to be “me” and for you to “take me like i am”, but exude such a love that you want to take me because you want what i have. i was created to be wounded, in order to be healed, so that i can heal others and bear much fruit. and isn’t that what we are supposed to do? bear much fruit!

i could have gone to church every sunday. i could have been involved in 54 different ministries. i could have volunteered for every big conference and i could have tithed over 10%. i could have gone on 82 different mission trips and i could have cleaned the church every other month…but what would that have gotten me? what would that have done to make a difference in the person at the gas station? what would it have done for the person in the car next to me?

NOTHING.

so as my stream of serious consciousness comes to a close:

Lord i pray that You continue to show me the roots that are still entangled in my life. i pray that You show me the characteristics of wounds so that i am able to identify them and get rid of them. i pray that through my process of wounding you feel my voids with Your unfailing love and that it begins to be pushy in my life. make Your love pushy in my life! Lord show me how to handle those wounds that come quickly in my life now that i would be able to immediately deal with them so that they are unable to root in my life and grow. may Your love come in and capture my entire being so that the environment for any negative seed is unable to grow and reproduce. Lord change the environment within me so that it reflects you my wonderful Lord. as i seek You Lord and as You bring about healing in my life i also pray for wisdom. may Your wisdom be poured into me as I seek You, Your face, Your healing and YOU. i just need more of You. case closed.

wow. that felt good.

yes, i said it, i am irritated.
i finally realized just how selfish people are.
and its irritates me.

i have been working on my patience…
no, seriously, stop laughing…i have!
but it has come to my attention that
some people just never have enough.
they keep going and going and doing and doing
and it blows my mind.
it blows my mind to think of how ill-prepared and selfish
they are being with their decisions.
and then i get to sit there and deal with them and smile and “cheer them up”.

i just dont quite understand.
im not quite sure how people can keep taking and taking and taking
and think nothing of it.
but they dont think anything of it because they are lost in themselves
and even though it literally irritates the fire out of me i am heartbroken for them.
must they keep pressing the limit to be happy and fulfilled?

 

Lord i pray that you help me through this. Lord forgive me and mend my heart. Lord help me to love those who i truly love at this unloveable time…because it is irritating.  but i am of no use if i have not Your love and Your will and Your thoughts and emotions and…just You. so Lord please continue to make me moldable and mold me, please continue to throw irriations my way so that i can be like You and react like You and love like You…i need You.

okay, i already feel better. the end.