me.
im not good at eye contact.
in fact i suck at it.
i find it hard to let people look in my eyes.
cause then they see my soul. and my heart.
im not always willing and ready to let
anyone peek inside.
so its better if i blink a lot. or look another way.
that way i dont let you in too far.

i would rather write.
its like a safeguard.
where i can use my words discreetly and maturationally (thats for mandy)
and get enough out there to let you know what
i might be feeling but still hideaway.
my words let me express things.
that i want to.
but my eyes are the windows to my soul.
and not just anyone can look in.

so.
through my words.
through my fingers as i type.
through the ink as i write.

i bare some part of me.
just enough.
im not sure if im ready to let you in.

but one day.
youll find out.

at prayer tonight i had major revelation.
im going through brokeness.
and i think im going to need more.

i want to do so many things.
i want to know so many things.
i know i have to crawl before i walk.
and walk before i run.
but i just wanna dash.
and thats hard.

i want to be used.
i want to glorify Him in all i do.
i dont want to be status quo.
i want to be intimate with him.
i dont want fear anywhere near me.
or my life. or my spouse. or my children.
i want an amazing, spirit-led life.
i dont want to settle for ordinary.
i want to pursue Him. and then i want to catch Him.

the thing is i so desire to be like christ.
i have issues.
i have an attitude.
and im moody.
(i see you nodding…dont worry…i am aware of this).
i build walls.
i have trust issues.
if you make me mad, you know.
[i dont handle those issues with love a lot...i know, i know].
i despise laziness and ill tell you (not in a loving way usually).
i currently feel betrayed.
and i feel uncomforable.
i dont like obligation.
i dont like confrontation.
im overly protective of my family.
[in a bad way].
i actually like to be alone.
but dont want to feel all alone.

see my faults? im not afraid.
im not proud either.
what i am is ready for change.
ready for brokeness.
ready for humiliy.
ready for honor.
ready for unity.
ready for impartation.
ready for revelation.

im ready.
so here i am lord.
do what you need to do.
im ready (i hope)

in you i live and move and have my being.
in you there is nothing i cannot do.
in you there is healing and restoration.
in you there is a hope and a future.
in you in where i find peace and joy.
in you is love.

im ready for my spiritual makeover lord.
im ready for change.

brokeness.

laying in bed.
watching “friends”.
thinking.
my mind wanders.
this is the first time i have experienced “relaxation” since…
i cant remember.

so here goes my stream of consciousness…
(my favorite way to write obviously)…

the root of all things: love.
nothing can occur properly nor can one pursue destiny,
without love.
love is the basis.
the foundation.
without love, i am nothing.
without love, i am a clanging symbol.
without love, i cannot experience love from another.
without love, i cannot minister.

the root of all that jesus did was love.
he did not do things out of obligation.
duty.
responsibility.
or ‘have to’.

love.

so what is love?
what does it feel like?
my silly interpretations:

peace that is undeniable. soothing.
where my breathing is steady. and perfect.
a heartbeat that is in tune with him.
wind that blows across my face on a sunny day.
rocking chairs that dont squeak.
yet provide enough movement to make you feel like you
are five and on the merry-go-round.
beachwalks, where the air is fresh and the waves
are crashing against the shore.
like swings at the park. that let me be playful.
and smile. and laugh.
like a perfect eyebrow waxing with an arch .
watching ‘friends’ with friends.
clapping to the theme song. and laughing with phoebe…
“cause youre crazy, ya know like crazy straws”.
riding in the car singing with your boyfriend:
hymns, hip-hop, worship, songs of our own.
laying in bed eating doritos with a glass of wine.
rolling down the windows and blaring celine dion with ashley.
eating grapes. and drinking room temperature water.
wearing sandals in the spring and summer.
getting a french pedicure.
texting….and im-ing.
friends praying for my healing.
deliverance from fear. and getting freedom.
getting my hair done by lindsey.
looking at pictures by millieholloman.com
and appreciating my friends extreme talent.
writing songs and poetry.
even if they dont make sense to anyone but me.
curling my hair and feeling girlie…
despite wearing camo shorts and a tank.
walking with my mom and dad.
talking to them about life and my lord.
thinking about my future.
and my children.
teaching and the kids that made an impact on me.
even josue. and colton. and alex. and shaun.
and joshua. and dallas. and steven. and c.j.
they taught me patience. self-control. gentleness.
they brought me joy and peace.
and taught my about love. and how love surpasses
all circumstances.
like playing bunco with 11 girls.
who love a good time, a glass of wine, and good music.
like nike tennis shoes to match every outfit
(thank you ms. jordan).
the colors brown, green, red.
like my lobster holding my face,
looking in my eyes,
and kissing my forehead.
holding me tight.
protecting me.
and making me laugh. even when i dont want him to.
like finding banana republic jeans on sale for:
$20.00.yeah so thats it.
for now.i know im a dork.
but life is great.
it really is.
i know it gets hard.
but what about the simple things?
that we take advantage of?
those things up there:

thats how i know my savior loves me.
no matter how silly.
i know.

lj.

love.
love more.
love more not out of obligation.
love out of a genuine heart.

it occurred to me tonight.
at prayer.
holy spirit spoke to me about: love.
the very essence of christ was love.
he is love. he was love. he loved.
everything about him exemplified love.
well, i dont know love.
christ always showed his love, continually through everything and everywhere we look.
i, however, have never allowed myself to open up
and accept this love.
i know tough love.
build walls. “you can’t hurt me” love. (sounds like an oxymoron).
the “i can do this by myself, cause i need to prove something” love. (again: oxymoron).

i dont know what love is.
i honestly and truly do not.
i dont understand it.
i havent experienced it.
i have no earthly idea why it is the way it is.
and now i know why i struggle with love.

how can i give a genuine love if i do not know what it is?

i told my best friend. i repented to him for not loving him the way that i should.
i told him that i now understood why love was so difficult for me.
i repented and asked him to forgive me.
i repented to my savior for being so ignorant and building these walls…
and not being willing.

father,
show me true love.
destroy the walls that i have built to “keep ‘it’ out”.
destroy the works of the enemy that have allowed the walls to go up.
destroy the root.
overflow my life with love.
overflow my life with your love.
help me to know love.
help me to understand love.
help me to experience love…really experience love.
i want it to entrap me.
i want it to consume me.
i want it to pour out from my heart.
my mouth.
my lips.
my hands.
my eyes.
my words.
my being.
my everything.

help me, lord, to accept his love.
help me to know and undestand that he is a blessing.
help me to love him the way you love me.
help me to sacrifice.
help me to be selfless.
help me to become nothing in order to love him.

i am so tired of relying on the old way of things.
or the tradition of what “love” should be.
i cannot take religion anymore.
i cannot take “what i should do”.
or “what should happen”.

i want real.
i want genuine.
i want love.
i want real, genuine love.

and i want it to start…now.

incredible.
its obvious that i am sitting.
well actually laying down.
and thinking.
listening.

it is amazing to know that i have gods mark on my life.
everyday he has penned down to the detail what my life is like.
will be like.
my thoughts.
my choice in eyeshadow color.
what time i leave my home.
the number of steps i take to get in my car.
my choice in music in the car.
how many minutes i will use the phone.
the number of times i use my brakes.
this mind boggling things that i NEVER think about.
he does.
he has planned down to the very thought i am having this moment.
about him.

and in return my lord.
i offer you…me.
take my life.
pen the story.
pen the words.
pen the timing.
pen what me…your servant…shall do to glorify you.
use your pen lord and write within me your desire.
not mine.

i lay here and my mind wonders.
how you thought about these things.
so closely.
so in depth.
so intimately.

you are incredible.
and your penmanship is intense.

you are the writer, the author.
you are the pageturner.
the illustrator.

may your penmanship in my life be known.
not me.
but you.
may your penmanship in me be used
to glorify you.

my life has been an interesting road.
journey.
spin of events.
but my life has been nothing but a lesson.
a big one.
which several teachable moments
and downloads.

my life has changed.
been renewed.
purified.
focused.

my audience is one.
for him i solely live and move.
for him i dedicate my daily steps with him.
for without him i am nothing.
he is the breath in my lungs.
he is the song in my heart.
he is my strength.
my creator.
my savior.
my king.
my friend.
my romancer.
my lover.
my neverending source.

he is undeniably the ultimate of utlimate.
reliable.
intense.
extreme.
forgiving.
compassionate.
incredible.
worthy.

he leaves me:
speechless.
in awe.
amazed.
wanting more of him.

he makes me want to be like him.
completely drenched in him.
embraced by him.
abiding in him.
the image of him.

for him.
only him.
i live my life.
as a sacrifice.
to serve him.
to make HIM known.
for he is the one.
who is our audience.

its not the world that i am eager to please.
its the the maker of the world that i am eager to please.

its not the world that i want to be like.
its the creator of the world that i want to be like.

its not the world that is my audience.
its the founder of the world that is my audience.
he is the only one.
he is the only audience.
an audience of one.

long survey without stupid questions
Created by shatteredwidow and taken 66 times on Bzoink

basics
name:: lisa june
age:: 25
birthday:: 07.17.81. yeah i said it.

zodiac sign:: dont believe in.
height:: “not much” per zackery.

weight:: dropping. i have important events coming up. and nonya.
any piercings? nine.
any tattoos? three.

glasses/contacts:: both. prefer contacts. 
do you have braces? had them in college. was supposed to wear them for two years but only had to wear them 1 yr. 4. mos. & i paid for them, too!
hair color:: currently blonde. the plan is to go blonder.
eye color:: blue. all natural.
race/heritage:: im german.

favorites
color:: blues. but i think i am starting to really love green and red. but not together.  
person:: zackery b. he takes me for me. abbie rae. she takes me for me. my momma and daddy. they take me for me. my kids in my class. they take me for me. janie. she takes me for me. 
band:: rascal flatts.
tv show:: friends.
movie:: the wedding date.
number:: now? 5.
day of the week:: everyday. each day is a new adventure. and i love learning the new things i keep learning. 
season:: fall
place:: my room. & in his arms.
sport:: football.
singer:: misty edwards. kari jobe. rick pino. jason upton.
book:: captivating& the new rebellion. .

month:: october and december.
flower:: gerber daisies.
candy:: depends on my mood: skittles or reese cups. he usually gets me both.

ice cream flavor:: toll house cookie dough swirl ice cream by edys.
restaurant:: bw3. macaroni grill. elijahs (our first date… )
actor:: dermot mulroney. and i like me some colin firth (thanks to abbie). and matthew perry [i love chandler!]
actress:: jennifer aniston. amanda bynes (that girl is hilarious!)
animal:: puppies
drink:: water.
website:: dont have a favorite.

instrument::drums. but im a little biased.
planet:: earth. of course.

cereal:: cinnamon toast crunch to be bad. vanilla almond special k to be good.

store:: any where there is a sale… but i love banana republic & ulta.
cartoon character:: none. although i like that guy off of emperors new groove.
body part:: arms. back. eyes.
video game:: frogger.

first…
your first word was:: who knows?

the age of your first kiss was:: 14. outside the back of the church.
your first time was:: first time what?
the name and age of your first love was:: 14. jon nelson.
have you ever…
gotten drunk:: in the spirit. lots.
done drugs:: sure. ibuprofen. midol. airborne.
been jealous of a friend:: not really. i actually am ok with me.
been suicidal:: nada. i dont allow that to hang over me.
stole something:: a heart? hehe.
fallen in love with a friend and couldn’t tell them:: um. no.i usually like them and then they like me back to be honest.
wrecked a car:: negative. but there have been a few times i could have.
been held back a grade:: nope.
lost a friendship over something stupid:: yes. ridiculous things. 
been single for more than a year without wanting to be:: singleness is where you find you. being single doesnt bother me whatsoever.
dumped someone cause you were sick of them:: nah.
broken a bone:: fractured a pinky.
been do depressed it was hard to get up in the morning:: like i said i dont allow depression in me over me under me around me. 
cried over someone:: of course. im a chick. 
had a friend who died young:: no.
had to go to a funeral of someone you really loved:: yup.

pick one
winter/summer -winter
rebirth/death -restoration.
coke/pepsi -coke from the fountain with ice. 
hot tub/pool -pool
dream/reality -reality
cat/dog -dog
flowers/candy -flowers…candy can make you fat.
comedy/tragedy -comedy

your view on
politics:: crying liberals.
god:: lover of my soul.
gay marrige:: wrong.
magic:: i believe in miracles not magic.
love:: its wonderful when you are in it.
evolution:: negative. 
abortions:: murder.
karma:: a five letter word.

fate:: i believe in purpose and destiny. my life is already written out.
legalizing marijuana:: um. no.

the afterlife:: sure. where are you going?

do you have
more than 50 cd’s? probably somewhere.
a car? saturn.
a motorcycle? negative.
a job? a career actually.
more than 10 pairs of pants? yeah.
more than 15 shirts? yes.

more than 8 pairs of shoes? 45-50 to be exact.

love
gay/bi/straight:: straight
are you dating someone? absolutely.

if so for how long? almost eleven months.
do you love them? yes. without a doubt. i adore him.
whats your favorite things about their personality? he loves me for me. patient. understanding. godly. unashamed. funny. charming. basically irresistible.
do they have any flaws in their personality? im sure somewhere.
whats your favorite thing about their looks? eyes.arms. back.
what your least favorite thing about their looks? nothing.
loves

friends:: my momma and daddy. zackery. fudd. my big seester. momma d. melissa. dayi. janet. janie. sarah. mills. abbie rae. rebekah ann. big poppa. patty. you guys basically know who you are.
family members:: i love them all.

pets:: i loved rusti.

random
do you love yourself? most of the time.
if you were a mythical creature what would it be? something absolutely stunning. i mean i need to reflect me, right? HA! 
if you had a wish:: hed be here with me. and not leave.

other
anything else not mentioned? :: i love A1 sauce. on anything. and water. im trying to sign a deal with fiji…hehe~!

im in love. i love. people are wonderful. you can choose your mood. make the decision to live today happily not matter your circumstances. what is so bad that you should be grouchy?
live more. laugh more. love more.

thats my motto.

and im basically in love with zackery.

*This is a fictional piece that I had to write for my Writer’s Guild. Let me know what you think….

Bryce Worthington Ms. WorthingtonMs. Worthingtonits 7:00. Its time for you to get up Ms. Worthington.I totally cringed at the sound of my own name. I was not ready to get up. How did 7:00 get here so fast?Ms. Worthington, youre going to be late for your appointment if you dont get upMy appointment?With your father.UghI didnt know we had an appointment today? And since when did I have to start making appointments to speak with my fatherCollege Ms. Worthington. The options for your schooling, Maria said matter of fact.I know where I want to go to school Maria, I said still saturated in my 1500 count Egyptian cotton sheets, The Fashion Institute in Los Angeles.Um..yes, Ms. Worthington, I do believe that I understand to where you are referring, Maria said filling my room with sunshine as she whisked open all of the chocolate suede curtains in my room. But your father was hoping maybe you would considering attending somewhere like New York University or maybe even his alma mater, Notre Dame.The place with the humpback guy? Ive seen that movie Maria. And let me tell you, I am not interested, I made sure to emphasize the not.Ms. Worthington, you must get up and go, she said one last time as she exited my suite.Awghfine!I stumbled out of the king-size mahogany sleigh bed, slipped on my Dolce & Gabbana frames and headed down to the gourmet kitchen to see what Henry had prepared for breakfast.Egg whites again, I said in a monotone voice, Yay. My facetiousness made a path through the stainless steel appliances and marble counters. I plopped my behind down at the massive dining table with royalty size chairs. Name is Bryce Worthington. Im 18, brown hair, brown eyes, and on the verge of changing the world. Through fashionthat is. I am going to challenge and mold the fashion world, as you and I know it. I am determined, in your face, and not to mention, extremely sassy. If there was a soundtrack for my life the song Girls Just Want to Have Fun would be my theme track, not to mention songs by Kelly Clarkson, Celine Dion, and one thrown in there by the great band Queen.My Daddy is a CEO. Dont even bother to ask me what he does or what he makes. It is too hard to keep up with. I simply smile and ask for the Visa with each trip to Kate Spade, Prada, and Juicy Couture. I am at the top of my Daddys world; I am his girl. The one and only. I have been since I was four years old. That is when my Mom passed away. Cancer. In her lungs. Neither Daddy nor I like to talk about that time in our lives. But we do like to talk about her smile. And the fact that she was love.My mother worked for years under the great names of fashion: Burberry, Louis Vuitton, and Calvin Klein. She left her mark wherever she was. Wherever she went. Whatever she did. Without question, everyone knew it was Dianne Worthington. And now I wanted to follow in her footsteps.There was only one problem. The parental unit. Despite the success that my mother had in the fashion arena, my Dad is incredibly hesitant about me even considering the option of entering that field. Bryce a business degree from an elite accredited college would take you a lot further than anything from a silly fashion school or Baby B (as he would refer to me at times) how about joining the leagues of my alma materlike father, like daughter?. But Daddy didnt know my heart. He didnt realize my passion. I wanted to change things like my Mom. I wanted to pursue something that I loved. And believe me fashion is something that I absolutely adore. And today was just another attempt for my father to completely diminish my dream and try to convince me that the proper decision would be that of the one he wanted. And he did his research and his planning for these meetings that we often had and now scheduled. He brought in the fashion school dropouts, the ones that graduated and filled in a pair of shoes at the local Quik Mart instead of the local offices of Ralph Lauren, and ones who are continuing their goals in the basements of their parents estates. You know, he goes the complete nine yards. He does everything in his human willpower and CEO status to utterly extinguish the dreams that I have. But maybe today will be different. Who knows? Well despite that, I am going to slip on my Manolo stilettos and grab my Balenciaga and I am out the door.  

200: My name is: lisa…also known as “hooch” or nalahmaholla or junebug. or liser. or baby.

199: I was born on: the day that disneyland opened…

198. I am a: bold and in-your-face lady who is challenging…and somewhat fashionable and confident in who she is…

197. My eye color is: blue…and they are all natural.

195. My shoe size is: 7.5-8.5: depends on how good the sale is.

194. My ring size actually: 7.5-8…i have fat fingers.

193. What is your Favorite Color? currently i am loving some green.

192. My height is: 5′2…but with wedges i am 5′5!

193. Im allergic to: fruit.

190. I live in: a house on a road in a city.

189. The last book I read: was my bible.

188. My bed time is: early…excpet for when others convince me to go out late.

187. First Screen name? lisa june? maybe…i dont know if i ever had a screen.name.

186. Current Screen name?: dont have a screen name.

179. Favorite Holiday? my birthday…duh.

178. My fav. store in the mall is: nine west.

177. The last three cd’s i have listened to are: rick pino. kelly clarkson. and my mix of hits, beach, country and eighties music (i told you that im quite…different?)

176. Last song that made me cry: i have no idea. songs make people cry?

172. My most treasured possession(s) is: my diamond and all my shoes.

170. What did you do last night: cleaned out my car with my lobster, went to wal-mart to buy organizational baskets, watched a movie, checked my myspace and went to sleep. oh and had a relational discussion with my love.

167. My skin’s reaction to the sun is (tan/burn): tan.

===============================
:::::I Do (YES)/Do Not (NO) Believe In:::::
===============================

143. Santa: of course…fat men are everywhere.

142. Love at First Sight: negative.

141. Luck: hecketh noeth.

140. Fate: not fate but destiny.

139. God: completely.

138. Aliens: depends on how my students acted each day.

137. Heaven: oh yeah.

136. Hell: yea.

135. Ghosts: busters!

134. Horoscopes: nope.

133. Soul mates: absolutely.
:::::Which is Better?:::::
====================

129. Hugs or Kisses: depends on what im in the mood for.

128. Drunk or High: that would be a negative for both.

127. Phone or online: online. cause then i can type how i feel instead of saying it.

126. Red heads or Brown hair: um, brown. cause my boo has light brown hair.

125. Blondes or Brunettes: both…mixed together. but i am a tad biased toward blondes right now.

124. lamb and tuna or peanut butter and jelly: pb&j. (pastor b & jen!).

123. pool or darts: pool.

122. sci-fi or horror: yuck.

121: boys or girls: i like a mixture of both…but boys are so cool…

120. Night or Day: night.

119. Oranges or Apples: apples.

118. Curly or Straight hair: the capibility for both.

==========================
:::::What comes to your head ?:::::
==========================

117. Scary: my daddy mad.

115. Backstabber: ill leave that one alone.

113: Parents: they approve!

110. School: i teach it.

:::::Last time?::::::::
=================

103. Missed someone: right now.

102. Hugged someone: my boo. last night. before we parted ways.

101. Seen someone u haven’t seen in a while: last night…

::::MISC.::::
==========

90. Who’s the ditziest person you know? ash used to be…maybe um…janie isnt ditzie per say, but quite funny.

89. Who makes you laugh the most: ashley, my momma, my boo, millie, that bullard family…

87. One thing I’m mad about right now: not a thing.

83. The last movie I saw in the theater was: shes the man. i love that movie! it is so funny! and i love channing tatum…

82. The thing I don’t understand is: how love makes you fat.

79. The one thing I love about the opposite sex: a back…

78. This summer: i will be blessed and getting out of egypt!

77. Next year will be: i will be i more year closer to 30.

76. Something I will really miss when I leave home is: nothing really.

75. The thing that I’m looking forward to the most in my future life: is having children and being a mom.
=======================
::::::what are you doing?:::::::
========================

71. tomorrow: nannying for the best three boys ever! and possibly attending the beach.

72. Today: nannying. reading. dinner with the chicks!

71. This Summer: being a nanny.

70. Next month: going to the call!

====================
:::MISC:::::(CONTINUED)
====================

64. The person I have been good friends with the longest: andrea michelle and dayi pope and melissa.

62. The person(s) who knows the most about me is: my lobster. momma d. my momma.

61. The person that can read me the best is: ashley or rebekah.

60. The most difficult thing to do is: hide what i do wrong.

59. I have gotten a speeding ticket: once…and a warning.

58. I have the following siblings: sister christine, sister heather, and bro matt.

56. My zodiac sign is: dont believe in zodiac signs.

54.Who do you feel most comfortable with? my family and my lobster. and dayi. melissa. janie. sarah…

53. The one person who can’t hide things from me: ashley…i can read her like a book…and i think i can read rebekah.

51. Right now I am talking to: myself.

47. I have a pet(s): dog.

46. I hope:i lose weight the right way.

45. The worst sound in the world: is i dont know?

44. The person that made me cry the most is: amazing. i love when the Lord just whips tears right out of me!

33. My favorite brand of clothing is: um…i dont have a favorite. i buy what i like. (banana republic!)

32 . My favorite sport is: football. and soccer.

31. Last time I cried: yesterday.

28. The church I attend: ufc.

27. Last person I got mad at: mad? i try not to get mad. or offended. can we say “immaturity”?

26. My worst experience I’ve ever had was: dating greg.

22. The all-time best movie is: anything with dermot mulroney.

21. The all-time best thing in the world is: love.

20. So, about them Canadians: i love them!

19. The most annoying thing ever is: laziness and not getting help around the house.

18. The most annoying person you know is: ha….you all should know.

17. I lose all respect for people who: are ignorant.

16. I hate: celery…and eating with someone who orders a salad while you order a burger.

15. I Like: tube tops.

14. My Favorite Day is: i dont know.

13. My Favorite Month is: fall months.

12. My Favorite band is: rascal flatts.

11. The worst pain: breaking up.

10. My favorite phrase: bite me…or whatever.

9. My room: could be cleaner…i am working on it. but it is my sanctuary.

8. My favorite actress/actor is: dermot mulroney….and i like jennifer aniston.

7. your weakness: flirting and kk donuts.

6. who do you like: someone.

5. cats?:shoot em.

4. I erased this question. It was….not appropriate.

3. Who broke your heart: im way over it.

2. I filled out 200 questions because:  i read ashleys and thought it was hilarious…

1. What do you hate most about yourself: my belly…and the fact that i wont just say it…